I had a busy day yesterday.
By my standards of a few years ago, yesterday was very quiet, but for me, for now, it was busy. Busy in the sense of having something to do from waking to going to bed, rather than madly rushing and spending lots of energy. Most of what I did yesterday involved sitting down.
This morning I got up and pottered for half an hour, had breakfast – then went back to bed for two hours. My body told me to. Yesterday’s sedate activities had taken up this morning’s supply of energy. As much as I’d love to believe that I’m fully recovered and in perfect health, I still don’t have the strength I would need to be on the go all day, every day, and sometimes I unintentionally spend two days’ worth in one day. Then I have to rest for a while before I can do very much again.
This has been the pattern for a few years now, and I’ve been telling people I didn’t feel guilty in the least about doing nothing all day, or even for days on end. Why should I? Well, from an intellectual perspective, I could probably offer you a convincing argument if I had the energy to think about it. But guilt is a matter for the emotions, not for the intellect, and whether I should have felt guilty or not, obviously I did. I was protesting too much.
In fact, I felt guilty for holding onto the guilt. But slowly, I’m learning to let it go, along with the fear, anxiety and all the other negative emotions that we’re all holding within ourselves.
I can tell they’re still there because when I went back to bed this morning, I felt them. Having next to no physical or mental energy guides you gently into the body, where you experience your emotions as physical sensations. When you have nothing else to occupy you, you can acknowledge and embrace them, then allow them to be released.